do-over.

It’s funny how we may end up going down one path only to realise midway that our original route was the better and safer choice :)

The world seems to make more sense when you have a few good friends to talk things through.

I want to leave the turmoil, confusion, uncertainties and fears behind.

Let’s focus on the journey that God has set before us and as the apostle Paul advised the Philippians so many years ago, ‘whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable- if anything is excellent or praiseworthy – think about such things.’

The NLT begins the same passage with: Fix your thoughts on what is true and honourable and right… (Philippians 4:8).

I’m doing well my friend now that things have been made much clearer than they once were.  I’ll ninja hug you again next time I see you unless you beat me to it ;)

♥ a.

Quote of the post: “I fell in love with a balding man!”- Kitty TheDirector Nguyen ;)

Song of the post: The Reason I Live- Hillsong (United Live: Best Friend)

Word count: 186

to be a kid again.

…when cuteness was all that mattered and the words coming out of your mouth are secondary :)

♥ a.

scabs and scars.

The wounds from that fatal bike experiment are healing.

The scabs have formed and are now really itchy and I’m so tempted to just pull them off.

But, as I’ve been told, doing so not only slows down the healing process, it also will result in scars…

Hence, I present a short poem I found here a short while ago and got the permission to repost it :)

SCAR

To walk, we must not be afraid to trip.
To speak, must not be afraid to be silenced.
To swim, we must not be afraid to drown.
To fly, we must not be afraid to fall.
To live, we must not be afraid to die.
To love, we must not be afraid to be hurt.

And still, I’m afraid.

I know I’m still holding back.

♥ a.

Word count: 135

desensitized.

If there’s anything I’ve learnt through the most recent self-evaluative journey I’ve taken, it is that my choice of weapon is often to give the silent treatment when I feel I’ve lost control of the situation.  I ignore the issue, withdraw and try to deal with things internally first before coming back to confront my demons squarely, front on and center.  I’m a firm believer that once the truth is out, the air can finally be cleared and the caution or tension on either side can be released.  So much so, that I almost revealed my past admiration for an old crush of mine so that I could get it off my chest… thank God I talked to Vi beforehand and lay that ghost to rest! lol it rhymes ^^

So let me stay upset.  I don’t know the exact cause of this feeling but I need it right now… I need to not feel good so that I can distance myself from it and so that it will eventually not affect me as it does now. 

You need to let me go.  Don’t hold on so tight.  There’s a saying that if it was yours to begin with, it’ll return to you somehow. 

And you’re right, I’m not ready for what you have to offer.  It’s what I want but not right now.  With all I have going on in my life, I don’t have the spare time and emotional energy to deal with you.  Perhaps that’s selfish of me but I don’t care.  I need to look after myself first so that I can have clear eyes to see and meet the needs of those around me.

So don’t wait around for me to reply to your messages coz I won’t, I can’t… I refuse to.

As an aside, if there is grace enough for Almighty God to forgive the things of the past, the mere mortal that I am should strive for that too right?

I can’t control the situation, but I CAN control how I feel about it.  And right now, I want to be desensitized.  I don’t want the pain in my chest  anymore but first I need to endure it so that I can rise above it.

Oh boy, this is going to be fun to read again in a month or two I reckon :)

♥ a.

P.S. Again, this wasn’t about you.  I’m sorry that I haven’t told you everything yet because I didn’t want to hurt you more than I needed to… THAT would have been wrong of me.  But now, I need to fill in the blanks for you though I’m sure you’ve been able to read between the lines… You know what you mean to me (I hope) and I need to shine the light on myself so that you aren’t left in the dark anymore.  We’ll talk soon, or maybe I’ll email you :)

But first, a bit more shut-eye hehe, to prepare for another fun-filled day ahead of cleaning, friend seeing and music playing :) zzzzzzz….

Word count: 506

finally official.

It was kinda official when I finished all my classes.

It was almost official when I finished all my exams.

It is FINALLY official now that this semester’s results have been released! :D

I’ve passed everything (even bloody stats haha), I’ve finished my first degree, I have become a Uni Graduate!!! (tick off #6 of 101 in 1001!)

Of all the people I know of, everyone has passed so that’s awesome! Congrats graduating Melb Uni Arts students of 2009!

Today was supposed to be a day of celebration, and in a way it was… had overpriced pizza with Dana on Lygon before she’s off country hopping and we busted out the camera for some shots near MC :)

However, I stayed up til 12am the night before after a particularily long day hoping to get the results… only to find out they would be posted up at 7am (unless of course you were a smart cookie and ordered your subject history or something and got it last night- only found this out thanks to Dana this morning lol), hence went to sleep… woke up at 3:30am (possibly from the nervous energy), decided to recount the past day’s activities in my old fashioned hand-written journal (that will remain hidden and for my eyes only lol) and of course woke myself up even further…therefore, it was a sleep-deprived Ames that jumped on the laptop at 6:50am this morning to find God’s grace evident in her results! 

I was told constantly by those around me that I would have passed no doubt and after all of God’s assurance, I shouldn’t really have had any fear…but there had still been an inkling lol I was so thankful and the parents were please of course ;)  Praise God, Law is still a go ahead *phew*.

Anyways,  that was basically a disclaimer for what follows.  Other points:

1. I am tired and grumpy at the moment
2. Please know that any hurtful words (I’m pretty sure the following will be) posted here are written during the height of an emotional outburst so please don’t take me too seriously (they make for a good read later on though lol)
3. Thank you for that passage this morning dear friend. I will be focusing on that for the time being.  And please know that you are not the cause of the emotional erruption below :) 

So… I was confused by what I read.  I didn’t find it funny.  I tried hard to be understanding because I hope to be her friend one day as she is dear to you, but frankly, I don’t care if it was unintentional or not, it threw me off for a bit and that was enough.  I don’t want or need an apology so don’t ask for one on my behalf.  I think it was stupid to ask if she’d be OK about recent developments.  Of course she’s not and won’t be for a while.  Everyone needs time that you are not giving. 

Right now, in this moment, I don’t want to think or deal with any of this craziness.  I have a house to clean for a concert to hold, a song to practise for a wedding to adore, I have friends to send off and birthdays to celebrate… and there’s Christmas… enough said.

You’re fine now.  You don’t need me to hold your hand.  Find another shoulder to cry on because this one is going to be temporarily checked out until next year.  I mean it.  I’m taking the advice I should have heeded ages ago.  I’m not being immature, I’m being pragmatic and practical.

I’m choosing to block it all out for now.  I have that power, its served me well in the past and I will summon it again.  Sorry Dana, I’m not going to live in the moment, I’m going to go back to over-analysing… Old habits die hard.  I don’t want to talk about it, I’ve talked it through in my head a million times already.  This is what I’ve decided and no amount of pretty words will sway me this time.  The past has caught up to you I’m afraid, but I don’t think it was the ‘past’ that you had been referring to.

A friend expressed to me recently the philosophy that the ‘right timing’ was the key underpining to a successful relationship e.g. right guy/girl, wrong time or vica versa.  I disagreed because I think that there are so many other factors that are involved and to put it simply down to timing seems to diminish the responsibilities of the people involved in my opinion.  But now I think that perhaps I underestimated the importance of timing… I’ll be OK, just give me my space.  Don’t make it harder than it is.

♥ a.

Word count: 792

fatigued.

…that’s the word that comes to mind to describe my current state of being.

Even though it’s holidays, I feel like my days are stretched and there is no time to do what I need to do because I do what I want to do which often does not involve practising piano which is a must do this summer… *sigh*

It is also possible that I’ve had a lot of emotional energy drained from me lately and frankly there’s no one to blame but myself.

Hobbling around with the mangled toe probably hasn’t contributed positively to the situation either.

This week looks quite packed already and I still need to work out how we’re gonna get the house presentable for the piano concert on the weekend… *sigh*

December has been filled with many wonderful things and there are more activities that I am looking forward to… just need to muster the energy to enjoy it as much as I want to…

Don’t worry, I’ll be fine :)

Maybe I just need to rest my body and my mind tonight.  A few strawberries and then off to bed!

Nite!

♥ a.

Quote of the post: Patience and perserverance have a magical effect before which difficulties disappear and obstacles vanish. - John Quincy Adams

Song of the post: The Way to Begin - Krystal Meyers

Word count: 222

like this: Threadless Tees.

I ♥ Threadless Tees.  I really do.

A few months ago, on the 9th, of the 9th of the 09 (09.09.09), Threadless Tees had a one day sale where every t-shirt was $9!

I think I learnt about it via a facebook status update of a friends (very handy!) and though I was very impressed by all the designs I saw, I only selected 3 because I didn’t want to take advantage of the generous offer of a friend to pay it all first with her credit card :)

So, I chose:

Cookie Loves Milk

Radio Activity - Spread Music Love

Rock is Dead and Paper Killed it.

lots of fun :D and I’m having a coughing fit atm >.<

Toe Update: Doc has given me antibiotics so I should be good in a week or two.  However, the knee graze will take 2-3 weeks to heal :S

Don’t worry I’m still smiling my friend :)  Thanks for the concern.

♥ a.

Quote of the post: “Food babies!” – Vi at the high tea LOL

Song of the post: When Love Came Down - Point of Grace

Word count: 175

spilled blood.

I don’t understand people who tell me life is boring or they have nothing to do!

Everyday can be an adventure of sorts, life is what you make of it :)

Take today for instance.  The day I’d planned for myself was to go to the gym then head home to do some serious piano practise (last piano lesson for the year – Sat @9am).  Instead, I’d found out in the morning that Sportsgirl was having a 20% one day sale so after I became a gym/swim member (thanks Dad!) and finished doing a fairly good workout, we were on our way to Shoppingtown when Dad got a call from Barry, one of his friends from Box Hill Chaplaincy.  Since Dad was driving, I spoke to the elderly but lively gentleman and he informed me that the bike that he’d promised was all fixed up and ready to be passed onto me when we were free to get it!  Barry had asked Dad a few months ago if he wanted a bike since he had a friend who was going to fix up a few old ones he’d aquired to give away to charity.  I didn’t have my hopes up since it’d been so long since it was first mentioned but I was delighted to hear I’d finally be able to fulfil one of my 101 in 1001’s over the summer and cross off one of the items on my wishlist :)

it’ll be ok.

I’m glad you’re not ignoring me.  With the way I’ve been treating you, I know I couldn’t have expected otherwise, but thank you for your reply.

I’m glad you are feeling better now having said what you needed to say.  I hope this will bring a smile to your face, my friend:

Because of you, I ate 2 eggs, 4 pieces of ham, 4 slices of bread and a squirt of tomato sauce…. and it was goooood :)  I hadn’t eaten anything yet all morning so I thought, what the heck? hehe

We’ll get through this.  You know I’ll always be there for you right? You know I’ll always be cheering you on right?

There are still many long overdue words that need to be said and I will do everything in my capacity to make amends for the pain I’ve caused you.  Please don’t give up on our friendship.  Don’t stop talking to me.  Don’t regret what you’ve said.  I’ve heard every word and I’m sorry I was just so stupid to let other things get in the way of my loyalty. 

I’ll smile when you feel better, which I hope is right now :)

♥ a.

P.S. What is a proper post anyway?  Is it the ones where I’m just rattling on about my life, making it seem more interesting than it actually is? lol, I think I’ll leave the song/quote of the posts for those less emotion driven entries :)

P.P.S oh btw, HELLO DECEMBER!!!  I know we’re gonna have lots of fun together but it’s gonna be very very busy!

Word count: 260

can’t get away.

And I, can’t get away, can’t get away
Can’t get away, can’t get away
I can’t get away, can’t get away…I keep running into You

Even when I close my eyes, I can’t help but see
There’s no place that I can hide, You’re such a part of me
I can’t get away cause I keep running into You
I can’t get away… (Can’t Get Away- Rush of Fools)

This is (as you can probably guess) a song about how we can’t get away from the love of God because He is always there for us :)

But today I’m dedicating this song to a certain friend who has messed up my sleeping pattern with his smses in the past few weeks.   I’ve been waking up systematically at 2am and 5am over the last couple of days and the first thing I do is check my phone… and not just to see what time it is lol

Everything I’ve ever said to you has been genuine.  I fake emotion the same way I lie…. badly.

♥ a.

P.S. I have a full day at home so maybe will squeeze in a proper post later on.  piano, cleaning and Scottie time today.  looking forward to it :)

Word count: 205